Wednesday, February 3, 2010

je ne sais quoi

It's been a difficult week. I'm in an emotional stew which has been by turns a roiling cauldron of fury, a thick mess of humility, a thin taste of hopelessness, a burnt soup of sorrow, a bubbling broth of joy, a spilled puddle of heartbreak, a simmering pot of rage, a lumpy gravy of regret, a sticky porridge of self-loathing, a creamy pudding of hope, a spicy curry of possibility, a black potion of doubt, a sweet brew of transcendence, the bitter medicine of shame, spoiled leftovers of life. (Into the compost, mix with shit...)

Work has taken its toll on my spirit, especially of late. Yesterday I realized that during the entire past year I did not have a stretch of more than three workdays off. Of those, one was a vacation with family, split in two locations. One was two days off after a weekend, also split in two locations, in which I was taken down by serious illness. The other was the two days I took off to move out. It's been a long time since I had anything close to resembling a "vacation", and it's run me down. I'm stretched, tired. I'm not excited about going to Paris, I
have to go. I have to leave here, be away from here, have something else for a while, anything else. Paris seems a bit much right now, but there it is, all I've got. I have cute new jeans, snacks, books and my camera, among the many things I'm packing up tonight. What I will not carry with me on this trip is any peace of mind about my life, my relationships, my future, my self. I am not concerned about getting lost, or not knowing where I am. I am worried about not knowing who I am. I'm afraid of being my own and my only companion. I wanted to leave for this trip with an open mind and an open heart, in peace. As it is, I'm just... leaving. And I already don't want to come back.

I have much to do tonight, little hope of getting any rest before I go. There's so much I've wanted to write down these past few days, to leave behind, and now it seems I'll have to take it all with me. Maybe I'll get lucky, lose some baggage on the way home. Au revoir.

1 comment:

conniewonnie13 said...

bon chance! bon voyage!