Tuesday, October 13, 2015


I'm tired today, from an unexpectedly wakeful night that only offered up some rest, finally, upon this morning's rather chilly arrival. I did not wake to my alarm, which I'd seemingly dismissed, but at the urging of my phone--a saving grace of sorts, although it felt more like a rude disturbance at the time. Despite my weary edges, or perhaps because of them, it felt good to leave the house today, to breathe in the brisk air, take note of the changing colors, sip my black coffee and join the flow of morning traffic--in fact it was one of the first times in recent memory that I actually felt some amount of optimism toward my impending workday, even if only for a few minutes, before the insistence of the morning commuters got the better of me...or at least went racing away with the better part of my happier thoughts...

I've been less than productive today, mostly, and not really surprisingly, although if I were subject to a quota I guess I would probably have met it and maybe that's really all I should care about. Fortunately, expectations of me are few, leaving my mind free to wander, perhaps to stray, into a vaguely pensive state... I'm too tired to be entirely melancholy, or particularly reflective. It's not just for lack of sleep, but lack of rest, lack of peace, lack of clarity, lack of truth...

A strange, fleeting thought passed over me the other day or maybe just last night, after seeing someone take a fall on TV, that it's been a really long time since I've fainted...but I clearly recall the last time I did, and how much I struggled coming to, alone for those fearful moments, and for what felt like an eternity, I had no idea of who, what, or where I was... there was just the sensation or realization that I was rushing through time toward a waking state, and the answers to those questions would arrive with me, once I got there. 

I feel a little like that, today, except that I know that, once the workday is over and my appointments are out of the way and my errands are run and my chores are all finished and I lie down to rest my head and my bones, that no answers will come. But then again, was there a question?

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