Monday, February 2, 2015
Isn't it?
If the value of one's life were measured in how many times, less or more, you did what needed to be done when it really matters, I am not sure the numbers would stack in my favor. And isn't that what it's all about?
Today was a long one, with no stupid game involved. It would sure be nice to decompress by sleeping. A girl can dream, can't she?
Sunday, February 1, 2015
Some kind of blues riff
I was supposed to be in bed a half an hour ago, or two hours. I am tired; logic tells me this, and other things that stand to reason, despite an unsettling backdrop of ill-mindedness. I am more lucid than I wish to be, and than I should be, at this late hour. I feel like a shadow, watching myself from across the room, like the ghost of Christmas past. Spirit, remove me from this place!
Today should have been a good day. In fact, it was. Quite good, in a few ways. But something hovers over me that I cannot place--or rather, I cannot place myself, where I am or ought to be. Thoughts follow each other like music on staves, in harmonic counterpoint, a minor key, closer to a pentatonic scale maybe.
These notes are just a fraction of a song-cycle I will never compose. The page is silent, and so is this house. If another soul were here, I would no doubt hear them breathing, a room away. I'll let the furnace run instead, and listen to the absence of concern, as warmth strikes the walls. What I wouldn't give for a lullaby.
Try to imagine you are sleeping in the passenger seat. Have a warm drink, and go to bed. Nothing that is happening now has ever happened before, no need to be surprised about it.
Today should have been a good day. In fact, it was. Quite good, in a few ways. But something hovers over me that I cannot place--or rather, I cannot place myself, where I am or ought to be. Thoughts follow each other like music on staves, in harmonic counterpoint, a minor key, closer to a pentatonic scale maybe.
These notes are just a fraction of a song-cycle I will never compose. The page is silent, and so is this house. If another soul were here, I would no doubt hear them breathing, a room away. I'll let the furnace run instead, and listen to the absence of concern, as warmth strikes the walls. What I wouldn't give for a lullaby.
Try to imagine you are sleeping in the passenger seat. Have a warm drink, and go to bed. Nothing that is happening now has ever happened before, no need to be surprised about it.
Saturday, January 31, 2015
Pep talk
Listen, I love you. Tomorrow will be a better day.
Have a warm drink and go to bed. Try to imagine you are sleeping in the passenger's seat.
Go play outside in the sunshine tomorrow, and get as many hugs and laughs as you can.
Everything will change. Have sweet dreams.
Friday, January 30, 2015
In the dark
I got this thingy last year, as the days were growing shorter, to try to help me negotiate with my morning darkness. It's a programmable timer and dimmer that you can hook up to your own bedside lamp, so it will slowly turn on and gently wake you up in the morning, a la sunrise. Most days, it is surprisingly effective, and will wake me up almost instantaneously, or within a few minutes. With that in mind, I don't know why I set the thing to light up at 5:15, though I suppose I didn't expect it would work so well. This morning I was awake even before it was, though I waited for my alarm to go off a half hour later, plus a few extra minutes, before getting out of bed.
I've never been a morning person. Some of you may recall that I actually used to be a morning demon, but I've mellowed in my old age and now I mainly have to contend with a) being just way too tired and b) feeling completely without hope in the morning. It's just a thing some of us non-morning/non-sleeping types have to get used to, not a big deal. But sometimes it's a bummer. Like today. Lately I've been served up a plate of doubt, disappointment, and deception, and it's not been sitting all that well in this well-rounded gut of mine. So I found myself under the covers this morning, trying to hide from the ugly light of my negative and unkind thoughts, and fears, and wondering what I could do to change that.
Not care, was the solution I came up with, as in "I could not care less". The problem with that mantra is that, if you repeat it even once, you realize that it could be logically re-stated as "I am incapable of caring less", which has some different connotations. Whether it's true or not, it doesn't make a very good mantra anyway, for obvious reasons. I mean, why would you go through life not caring, when you could just not give a shit instead?
Kidding. Sort of. In any case, the sun has displaced the darkness, my car is running, and I have a lot more to do and worry about than thoughts and feelings, so I better get this shit show on the road. Good morning!
I've never been a morning person. Some of you may recall that I actually used to be a morning demon, but I've mellowed in my old age and now I mainly have to contend with a) being just way too tired and b) feeling completely without hope in the morning. It's just a thing some of us non-morning/non-sleeping types have to get used to, not a big deal. But sometimes it's a bummer. Like today. Lately I've been served up a plate of doubt, disappointment, and deception, and it's not been sitting all that well in this well-rounded gut of mine. So I found myself under the covers this morning, trying to hide from the ugly light of my negative and unkind thoughts, and fears, and wondering what I could do to change that.
Not care, was the solution I came up with, as in "I could not care less". The problem with that mantra is that, if you repeat it even once, you realize that it could be logically re-stated as "I am incapable of caring less", which has some different connotations. Whether it's true or not, it doesn't make a very good mantra anyway, for obvious reasons. I mean, why would you go through life not caring, when you could just not give a shit instead?
Kidding. Sort of. In any case, the sun has displaced the darkness, my car is running, and I have a lot more to do and worry about than thoughts and feelings, so I better get this shit show on the road. Good morning!
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