Friday, January 30, 2015

In the dark

I got this thingy last year, as the days were growing shorter, to try to help me negotiate with my morning darkness. It's a programmable timer and dimmer that you can hook up to your own bedside lamp, so it will slowly turn on and gently wake you up in the morning, a la sunrise. Most days, it is surprisingly effective, and will wake me up almost instantaneously, or within a few minutes. With that in mind, I don't know why I set the thing to light up at 5:15, though I suppose I didn't expect it would work so well. This morning I was awake even before it was, though I waited for my alarm to go off a half hour later, plus a few extra minutes, before getting out of bed.

I've never been a morning person. Some of you may recall that I actually used to be a morning demon, but I've mellowed in my old age and now I mainly have to contend with a) being just way too tired and b) feeling completely without hope in the morning. It's just a thing some of us non-morning/non-sleeping types have to get used to, not a big deal. But sometimes it's a bummer.  Like today. Lately I've been served up a plate of doubt, disappointment, and deception, and it's not been sitting all that well in this well-rounded gut of mine. So I found myself under the covers this morning, trying to hide from the ugly light of my negative and unkind thoughts, and fears, and wondering what I could do to change that.

Not care, was the solution I came up with, as in "I could not care less".  The problem with that mantra is that, if you repeat it even once, you realize that it could be logically re-stated as "I am incapable of caring less", which has some different connotations.  Whether it's true or not, it doesn't make a very good mantra anyway, for obvious reasons. I mean, why would you go through life not caring, when you could just not give a shit instead?

Kidding. Sort of.  In any case, the sun has displaced the darkness, my car is running, and I have a lot more to do and worry about than thoughts and feelings, so I better get this shit show on the road.  Good morning!

No comments: