Ghosting

I Forgot Happy

Now I think I know what my Dad meant when he told me, young woman that I once was, "don't let the bastards grind you down."

think twice, cut once

two times should be enough, right? maybe some of us need more, but some must get it right the first time... or am I over-thinking it again?

Debatable

I'm tired today, from an unexpectedly wakeful night that only offered up some rest, finally, upon this morning's rather chilly arrival. I did not wake to my alarm, which I'd seemingly dismissed, but at the urging of my phone--a saving grace of sorts, although it felt more like a rude disturbance at the time. Despite my weary edges, or perhaps because of them, it felt good to leave the house today, to breathe in the brisk air, take note of the changing colors, sip my black coffee and join the flow of morning traffic--in fact it was one of the first times in recent memory that I actually felt some amount of optimism toward my impending workday, even if only for a few minutes, before the insistence of the morning commuters got the better of me...or at least went racing away with the better part of my happier thoughts...

I've been less than productive today, mostly, and not really surprisingly, although if I were subject to a quota I guess I would probably have met it and maybe that's really all I should care about. Fortunately, expectations of me are few, leaving my mind free to wander, perhaps to stray, into a vaguely pensive state... I'm too tired to be entirely melancholy, or particularly reflective. It's not just for lack of sleep, but lack of rest, lack of peace, lack of clarity, lack of truth...

A strange, fleeting thought passed over me the other day or maybe just last night, after seeing someone take a fall on TV, that it's been a really long time since I've fainted...but I clearly recall the last time I did, and how much I struggled coming to, alone for those fearful moments, and for what felt like an eternity, I had no idea of who, what, or where I was... there was just the sensation or realization that I was rushing through time toward a waking state, and the answers to those questions would arrive with me, once I got there. 

I feel a little like that, today, except that I know that, once the workday is over and my appointments are out of the way and my errands are run and my chores are all finished and I lie down to rest my head and my bones, that no answers will come. But then again, was there a question?

An event that matters to you

It could be Fall, it could be a trip somewhere, it could be a dance, it could be something brewing, it could be a lot of things...

I listened to this today, chosen (more or less) at random from a long list of unplayed interviews on a podcast I have only once attempted to listen to, previously. I post it here in the hope that it will be of some significance, or interest, to one or more of you. This conversation is aptly prefaced, and not the sort of thing that just anyone would care to listen to, but it's worth your time, if you have some (by which I don't mean to introduce paronomasia, though now I've done it).

Anyway, have a listen: http://www.skeptiko.com/?powerpress_pinw=6565-podcast

I wouldn't recommend trying to read the transcript of this interview, but if you're interested in this scientist's work, some of her other thoughts and writings can be found here: http://scienceandnonduality.com/contributors/julia-mossbridge/



 

Trust

It's a no sleep kind of night I guess, although it dosen't seem as though today should become tomorrow, without some rest in between. Hopes of getting up early, to work outside in the morning hours, are shifting into worry of how the day will be, if I cannot dream my way toward being part of it...

Maybe I should open the windows and listen.

Direct Current

Ugh, apparently it is also earwig-on-the-bathrobe and biggest-centipede-I've-ever-seen-in-the-kitchen-sink season...!

I woke up far too early this morning, and spent a couple hours tossing and tangled in the sheets of my mind before finally falling back to sleep, past the alarm of course, lulled by the sound of gentle thunder and pouring rain...a comfort, to be sure. Naturally I'd left all the now thoroughly-soaked bags of garden trimmings out on the walk, thinking I'd wrangle them back to the alley in the morning...but thank goodness for the rain!

I'm anxious. Not about anything in particular, just a general lack of ease, and peace of mind. I'm restless, and it feels electrical, almost, like I need a ground, I need earthing. For a few dreamy moments this morning, I thought I might step out into the rain...it seems so long since the last time I did, although I suppose it was only a few months ago. What is it about standing in the rain that feels so good?

So I feel compelled, because I've been thinking about it more than I ought, to rewrought the thoughts I posted on metallurgy a few days back. They make no sense, really. Steel is just as heavy as iron if not heavier, and sharpness is irrelevant. It's true that copper and silver may be on the softer side, but gold is just as soft. And I think everyone knows how heavy gold is. So, just scratch all that, or polish it, whichever you prefer.

In a similar vein...if I were actually concerned about stalkers I'd just shut this whole peep show down, or better yet, relocate to a place that can't be mapped by electronic devices. Something came up recently that just got me to wondering, but it's not anything or anyone I am worried about, any more than I'm worried about being struck by lightning. Although, if I were hiking above treeline in the Rockies, that might be a different story...

Anyway. Tasks for today are few but many, house work and yard work and brew work and money work and before that work work, and more importantly this: replace every critical thought with a better one. Negative to positive, isn't that the way it goes?