Sunday, May 31, 2009

Far from Home (take two)

Well, you know you're getting old when your whole person can be ravaged for weeks by a few ounces of caffeine... I mean seriously, I've been on edge for like, I don't know... two, three weeks now--sleepless, dreamless, hopeless, heartless, serious and seriously unfocused, confused, retarded and nasty. I know some of you are thinking, yeah, what else is new, but you all have no idea how much you can go, um, take a hike...

This weekend was pretty stupid, for me and for those around me. I'm not being too hard on myself here. I was pretty much a total suckpatch from, well, about all day last week until about five minutes ago. But what does that have to do with Digging In?

Only, maybe, everything.

So it turns out this whole Living with the Land thing is maybe just a little too 'organic' for me (possibly because
my job is actually turning me into a robot!! a f-ing corporate robot!!!) because all this sensitive, intuitive, tuned-in, earthly activity is almost offensive to me this Spring, not like an, oh I don't know, Attacker but more like some kind of really rare and exquisite Beauty giving me the finger and then stabbing me in the eye. No, worse: just, you know, turning away.

But that's the thing, right? It all just turns away...

A few years ago I printed off a form from the Office of the Secretary of State of Minnesota, to register the name of the place: Turning Earth Farm. We were gonna have an underground bar out in the Oak Grove called the Wormhole...

So it's kind of a big deal for me right now, to feel like I don't really give a crap about the seeds and plants, much less the soil, the garden, the Land... There's no connection, no inspiration this year. A different place altogether. And a different challenge, to build on what we started last year. But what are we building here, and why?

Anyway, about the weekend.

After a nice breakfast on Saturday we left for the St. Paul Farmer's Market, to pick up a few replacement tomatoes, for the ones I started which were just small (really too small) but mostly strong until I scorched them last weekend. I had been thinking somehow that I'd just drift into and out of the market and pick up just what I was looking for. Instead I got lost and became indecisive, overwhelmed by the calculations of how to cut my losses and reassess all values (in this case, green, red, yellow, orange, cherry, pear, just plain old, sauce, salsa, where am I? etc.) and then found out I had almost no cash, anyway, and all of it was for nothing. (Like working for The Bank, you know, in a way. For Nothing.)

I bought only three little tomatoes, because I couldn't do more. I got them from The Herb Man--he's there sometimes, with his splendidly-feathered Hat, but I've only ever talked to the young Moon-faced girl, yet... They sell all kinds, all but a couple (well, many) that I'd hoped for... and man, I know it sounds so trivial but to rethink the whole damn schema while you're getting advice from a teenager on the virtues of a bunch of fruits, it's enough to make a very middle-aged woman become a complete psycho in a matter of minutes and when I got back to the car I just let loose in such a--how do I say?--craptastic (or maybe fucktardish?) way that is honestly (for those of you who've never tried it out yourselves...) just so foul on so many different levels that it is Truly Offensive to the Entire Universe...

So that went on for quite a few miles, until we were well past the city, passing farms on the interstate... And I'm really sorry about that.

It was a nice drive up the St. Croix River Valley to Landscape Alternatives, where Monkey and I each spent a good hour and maybe a half browsing, pondering, considering and admiring all the native plants they have for sale... very good little thing they've got going there, and 1) it was so heartening to talk with the owner and the young man who worked there, who were both quite knowledgeable and kind and 2) it was cool to find out about that recycled wool/wood mulch (will find name and post later) and 3) I appreciated seeing the very real connection between two small businesses owned by people who believe in supporting Each Other.

So, onward... We're now about three hours late, in a way, and still a half an hour away from a phone (CM’s cell phone was on the fritz). I bought a phone card from a couple friendly and rather helpful Holiday Station employees (recalling that summer I worked for SA, way back when) and left a message for the folks. We didn't roll in to their place until after 3:30. Turned out that we had just missed the motor noise for the day--that being lawn mowers, tillers, 4-wheelers, chippers--so I felt a little better about our late arrival... Spent a couple hours (I know, seems like a lot, but you try figuring out where to relocate 60 little live creatures) putting in the natives for the butterfly garden around the arbor. A little later we all shared a nice dinner of chicken in a sour-cream Dijon sauce, with fresh asparagus and tarragon from the garden, over brown rice. So tasty, and thank you, Mom. I walked out after dinner to listen to the frogs for a while and to hear the call of owls, far beyond the back fence. Evenings there are enchanting, even if you are a robot...

(Throughout the weekend, little Brother keeps asking me to kick hack and play catch with him, and oh how I want to, I really really do. And I really really hate that I’ve got to keep telling him no, but oh how I really really wish he would he would have just known to just help work for a while, so that I could just play for a while… I did ask, I think…?)

Sunday after another late breakfast we set out to plant as much as we could before the promised (or at least hoped for) rain of the afternoon... Although I didn't accomplish as much as I'd hoped to, it turned out that together we got quite a bit done: 3 varieties of corn (with 3 more following), 2 of carrots, 5 of beets, 1 of rutabagas, close to a dozen of peppers, a half dozen of eggplant, eleven of lettuce, 3 of mustards, 1 of arugula, 3 of basil, 4 of cabbage, 2 of brussels sprouts, 3 of broccoli, 2 of cauliflower, 1 each of fava bean, fennel and radicchio... with so much more to come. Sweet cold rain fell on us late in the day, not a lot but so much to everyone, right now...while it came we all silently gave thanks and then had a late meal of brats off the grill and a lovely greek salad, not particularly harmonious but together enough on their own that it worked out just fine (and thanks again, Mom, for feeding us all) and then after that, a Real Live Rainbow, Double-Bright...

And then I went and ended the evening with a good old-fashioned freak-out, all over everything... With little Bro driving home, I had some time to come back down to Earth, but it took a while and a bit of Radiohead to get me there... and then finally I saw that

...there's really nowhere at all that's any more beautiful than what we have here and

I love you so deeply and dearly, All

and I'm not what you think

I am

(but I am a foul-mouthed crazy bitch sometimes. sorry about all that, compadres)


JB aka JayBee said...

Thank you. I appreciate that you share your feelings and doubt and frustration with us your audience, your friends and family.

Em, lets spend an evening together some time this week... or whenever you can find time.


fremenine said...

And I appreciate your being here and your thoughts. I think I could have presented some of that in a more thoughtful manner, using fewer F words, perhaps... not sure ranting suits me that well. Had to try it.

I'd love to see you, soon.

JB aka JayBee said...

I wish you wouldn't edit yourself. Your thoughts and words "vulgar" though they may be are yours. You don't have to placate anyone here. This is your space.

Although, if you want to engage in self-censorship that is also your choice.

I miss you.

fremenine said...

(Sigh.) I know... I'm really not into censorship or repression, but man it was just too much for me that morning, all the love and fucks and ohs and rainbows and drunken punctuation, although I have to admit that all sounds pretty good right about now.

We'll see each other a few days from now, and we will talk for hours...