Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Give me a break

Warning! More tiresome woe-is-me ungrateful self-centered venting ahead.

Today has sucked from before the moment I woke up, in more ways than one and for reasons that probably have everything to do with the weather and the moon.  I am disappointed in everything and everyone and I am tired of expressions of bullshit gratitude, on my part or anyone else's. Go to work, make it happen, help someone out if you can't help yourself, ask for help if you need it, quit complaining and stop expecting someone else to do it for you.  

I am the only person who is capable of making this day better for me and that is of utmost importance. No one is going to come along and make my day, although someone did yesterday when they found my sunglasses. It's also pretty darn nice to come home to dinner on the stove, beer in the fridge and dishes washed.  Nonetheless it's up to me to change my attitude and stop feeling and behaving like a piece of human trash.

Last night I had a heart-breaking dream in which I nearly lost my home, or had to say goodbye to it, and that along with other emotional chapters of that story colored my day even greyer than the misty dark skies that covered the city today, and enveloped the skyscrapers downtown in a shroud of why-the-fuck.

Too many people around me having problems right now that are seeping into my consciousness, and not enough hard work and play time. I need fresh air, I need something good, I need an idea, I need a smile. A long-awaited road-trip north may have to go on without me, my closest friends are in a mess of trouble and my lover has gone out to sea. I've been called a healer and a saint by a couple different people in the past few days but I am losing my will to help. It doesn't come from my heart, which has been more or less cut out of the equation at this point.

It does come back to gratitude, for gardens, for old and new friends, for a healthy loving family, for the body that carries me, for the house that shelters me, for a good meal, for work that pays the bills, for people who do real work in this world, for all of it really, and for the ability to change one's circumstances by changing one's mind.

In a way, every thought is a decision.

End of pointless rant.

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