I got approximately nine--that's right, NINE--mostly whole hours of sleep last night and yet still woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. Wait, no, scratch that--there is no "right" or "wrong" side of the bed, there is just the good side and the bad side...I mean, the better side and the best side, the East side and the West side, the yin side and the yang side...or something like that.
For reasons clear or nebulous, I've been feeling extra tender about all this, these past few days. I suppose the key word there is "feeling". Some part of me shifted over the weekend, something cracked, and some rusty bit that's been holding this old jalopy together and rolling down the road finally gave way. I've been lonely too long, and it has kept me from living as I wanted and hoped to. Performance is bound to suffer when you force a 5-cylinder machine to run on just 4.
So I'm coming apart, trying to figure out what's busted and what's still good, and find the tools to make the needed repairs. I can pull out parts like nobody's business, but putting them back in is gonna be another story...
It's tough losing good friends when you already have few, especially when they are among those closest to you, who have known you longest and best. It's not easy when the people who inspire you most and keep you headed toward your right direction aren't there to do that anymore. It's difficult to see everyone around you growing in ways that you are not, and to realize that you've hardly grown at all and have in many respects actually regressed... I saw posted somewhere not too long ago the words "People grow when they are loved well". If we could love ourselves that well we would all be superheroes, but that kind of love doesn't come from within. It comes from the people around us. I have been loved well by many people, and my friend Krista was among the very best.
I'm tired beyond words today, in a way I've never been, overcome with possibilities.