Thursday, July 2, 2015

Everything one thing at a time

Maybe I shouldn't have downed that grapefruit soda before breakfast today.

I got approximately nine--that's right, NINE--mostly whole hours of sleep last night and yet still woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. Wait, no, scratch that--there is no "right" or "wrong" side of the bed, there is just the good side and the bad side...I mean, the better side and the best side, the East side and the West side, the yin side and the yang side...or something like that.

Anyway, today should be a good day. It's not. Mainly it's not because I have a lump in my chest the size of Alaska and its rugged wild beautiful coastline keeps pushing saltwater up into my eyes... 

I’m coming apart.

I know that these words evoke a certain sense of helpless destruction, as in some kind of breakdown, and that implies some kind of mental instability, etc. but it’s not quite like that. By way of analogy, let’s just say your car breaks down; when that happens, it usually means it’s time to fix it. Whatever is broken must come apart in order to be repaired. More than that, it’s important to pay careful attention when disassembling things, so that they can be put back together when the time comes. It’s true that upkeep and regular maintenance can help prevent certain things from deteriorating, but sometimes parts just wear out or fail, sometimes unexpectedly. Now I seem to be running about as well as my old 850: missing one (vital) cylinder, with a major oil leak, bad synchro, sagging bumper and various temperature control and electrical issues, among other things. The minor stuff is mostly fixable with sufficient time and commitment. It's the burnt valve in the heart of the machine that's the real problem...

I need a leave of absence from my day-to-day life. Not a holiday; I want to work, hard, for several weeks or longer, on something I really care about, and truly accomplish something. I want to learn something, do something, be something, someone other than who I am right now. I want a major disturbance, a total interruption, an all-consuming, fever-inducing, heartstopping, breathtaking, boat-swamping, prairie fire-like transformation. I want a trip, a journey, a detour...and for that I must also have a destination, however temporary. I want good company, too, of non-dead friends who actually live near me, or at least a few kind-hearted strangers with good intentions. Somehow I have inadvertently, both with intention and without regard, isolated myself into a state of profound solitude that no longer serves me well, if it ever did. It's a cultivated state which I often cherish, but it's become too precious to me, though not by any purpose of mine. I want to be important to someone else, like most people do. It's needed. 

For reasons clear or nebulous, I've been feeling extra tender about all this, these past few days. I suppose the key word there is "feeling". Some part of me shifted over the weekend, something cracked, and some rusty bit that's been holding this old jalopy together and rolling down the road finally gave way. I've been lonely too long, and it has kept me from living as I wanted and hoped to. Performance is bound to suffer when you force a 5-cylinder machine to run on just 4.

So I'm coming apart, trying to figure out what's busted and what's still good, and find the tools to make the needed repairs. I can pull out parts like nobody's business, but putting them back in is gonna be another story...

It's tough losing good friends when you already have few, especially when they are among those closest to you, who have known you longest and best. It's not easy when the people who inspire you most and keep you headed toward your right direction aren't there to do that anymore. It's difficult to see everyone around you growing in ways that you are not, and to realize that you've hardly grown at all and have in many respects actually regressed... I saw posted somewhere not too long ago the words "People grow when they are loved well". If we could love ourselves that well we would all be superheroes, but that kind of love doesn't come from within. It comes from the people around us. I have been loved well by many people, and my friend Krista was among the very best.

We can only get so far on our own, and I want to go further. 

I'm tired beyond words today, in a way I've never been, overcome with possibilities. 

This is a more personal post than I've written in a while, and I'd like to end it on a positive note if I can, because there are so very many good things that have been happening lately, many amazingly wonderful moments and happy surprises. For those and for all of you I am most grateful, as always.

I'll have another story to tell, another day.

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