Oh boy

I'm stumped, with no one to ask.

Last night in my dreams a man told me to relax.

Walking back to my place from the auto shop down the street I was musing on this, and how being in a state of doubt is just an extremely unrelaxing way to be. I feel like I'm on a tightrope, walking a wavering line between faith and fear...dangling in mid-air from a thread that's about to snap, and I might fall or I might fly...

I am fine, but not at ease. My hackles seem to be raised all the time lately.

I can't see clearly what I need to do right now, to set things in motion for today, tomorrow, the days and weeks that follow.

And maybe that doesn't matter at all.

I feel like I have the opposite of that problem that returning vets have, when they get back to civilian life and are overwhelmed by having to make so many choices for themselves. I don't seem to remember how to be guided by others, sort of...

Which is really kind of silly, when you think about how we're all just one big mass of matter and energy and all the separations we perceive and create and impose and experience are sort of really just a way for us to know and be more...every moment is a relationship, every interaction a union... I heard this analogy recently, in a conversation about what science does not know about human consciousness, comparing it to a headlight. The light only makes visible what is in front of it; it cannot shine upon itself, much less what's behind it...

All right, let's dial it back a bit.

Goal for next few days: relax, go easy. Take things as they come, do what needs to be done. Speed the body, slow the heart, clear the mind. Be present, be kind, be here, be real. Make room for love and joy. Get hugs. Embrace change. Go swimming.

Yeah...relax, goddamit!