Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Look how beautiful you are

Oh, sweetness.  This morning I caught a glimpse through the kitchen window, above the blinds, of something I have been so hoping to see... my plum, in blossom!

The peach has opened its flowers too, in today's blazing heat.  It's covered in blossoms now, just about ready to burst.

This evening I walked out, barefoot for the first time this year, to cut more asparagus and munch on a few tender stems, along with a blade or two of garlic chives...both delicious and wonderful, but all these pleasures of Spring are a little lost on me right now, try as I might.  I shouldn't say so but I've been so sad the past few days that I didn't even notice that the tulips popped open yesterday... 

Despite the weather this past weekend, I was glad to enjoy the time outside, away from the city, in the company of my family for a couple days.  My little niece, who's almost two now, was a joy and a wonder...she is a truly brilliant little human being, sweet and ferocious and hilarious and adventurous and smart and all the things that human beings should be, on top of being unbelievably cute.  I think she said my name more times in those two days than any single person has in the entirety of the past year!  There's a great comfort in knowing that you occupy a cherished and important place in someone's life, so much that they learn your name in your absence and sing you happy birthday when you're not even there... 

Saturday was a tough day.  I was in tears much of the day, unable to help myself or hold it down, though my sorrow was happily interrupted by my niece at every turn, with another wonder to behold...Hi! it's a lake, a horse, a river, a duck, a flock of swallows...throwing rocks in the pond, gathering eggs from the neighbors chickens, eating popovers and strawberries for breakfast, learning new words... On Sunday we all went for a bike ride, spent a few moments on the bridge over the Moose Horn, contemplating the current and considering kayaking, before heading down to my folks for the afternoon.  I walked the woods with my mom and sister, not really there, unable to be present without the past rushing in and the future slipping out from under me at every step... I should have tried harder, maybe, but it's hard to be close to people who love you when you are hurting, I suppose.  And it was all right.  They know me as well as anyone does, and know it's best sometimes just to let me walk ahead, or fall behind, watch the water pour over the beaver dam, kick sticks off the trail... There's not much up or blooming just yet, though in the North Woods there was a good bit of Hepatica (named for its liver-shaped leaves, in case you didn't know) coming in, all white and hushed with purple-pink, quite sweet to see.

New words.  Apple, maple, bean.  My name, a hundred times or more, was new to me, from the mouth of such a sweet babe...though you know you've reached a pretty pass when your two-year old niece reaches up with the sleeve of her new favorite fleece, to wipe the tears from your cheeks.  She can't help smiling and neither can I.  We played in the tire swing--up! higher! only joy, no fear of falling even having done so once...we came close to knowing the word "wind", chasing milkweed fluff across the yard and up into the sky...and so many other great moments in two short days but maybe my most favorite of the weekend was when she peeked out the front door, while I was outside, to call my name in excitement... I looked up to see that she was holding a small jar of beans which I'd brought down from my old room earlier that afternoon, along with three others that had been sitting up there for a few years and which I'd decided I may as well plant in my yard this year because, well, what good are they just sitting there in jars looking pretty and getting old.  I came to her call and we played with those beans, selecting and sorting and pouring and pushing and piling and spilling and enjoying all their loveliness--the Scarlet Emperors, deep coral red purple and black; the Rattlesnakes, brown upon brown; the Hidatsu Shield Figures, with their true pinto patterns; and some just plain old white ones--of touch and sound and sight and seed, for a good while.  Had I passed them over, and not brought them downstairs, those small moments of wonder would never have happened, and for that I am quite eternally grateful, both for the time we and others enjoyed, and for the tiny keystone of reinforcement that a single decision can make, when so much else seems to have fallen into doubt.

Yes, I know.  That's all very sentimental and a bit sad.  Well, that's life I guess.  More happiness, more sadness, more everything, more all that there is, to come...

Oh, and I really must give great credit where it is clearly due, to my sister, for being a totally awesome mom.  Be proud of that.  I love you, immensely, and I cannot imagine my life without you in it.  How very lucky we are, to have each other in this life, and thank you for reminding me of that, with all that you do.

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